Loss of An Acquaintance

Saw on the news that an acquaintance lost in the battle with depression. News of her death brought back some fleeting memories. She was an ex colleague who was not in good terms with some of our colleagues.

I remember her kept interrupting us at work, seeking attention even during work hours and this did not bode well with me, especially when I was rushing for a critical matter to be settled. I remembered shouting at her to stop talking to me while I was working after I gently told her earlier to chat later several times.

Now I felt so bad. I think I did not do anything wrong. But I guess I could be more stern without exploding on her.

She had problems adapting to life with colleagues so eventually she just resigned to focus on her son.

We didn’t keep in touch. I do received news here and then and was glad she joined Tzu Chi to do charity. I wish her well.

Unfortunately she lost battle to this life long depression. If I were to rewind time, I am not sure if I will do anything differently. But probably I could be kinder. Or maybe just don’t be a bitch especially to people who are vulnerable. Learn to read a person and perhaps to learn to apologise when I lose my temper. I was not aware of her dire situation and I was too quick to dismiss her as weird.

I guess the saying that goes, “Don’t judge a person too quickly. We don’t know what kind of life battles they are going through. Be kind.” rings true.

It’s too late now. I sincerely pray and hope her soul is finally at peace now.

24 Years’ Wait

Thought of penning my thoughts here after so long. I can’t believe the agony most people must have felt for days after voting. Every rationale and sane voter was at the verge of going ballistic if the lesser votes parties combined to form government.

I am happy that our prayers are answered. I was telling my friends, Anwar Ibrahim was demonised and unceremoniously sacked back in 1998. At that time, I was in college. I remembered sitting in the bus, stuck in horrendous jam and looking out at a large group of people congregating at Dataran Merdeka and near Masjid Jamek area.

At that point of time, there was no social media. The only thing we sent was sms. The news were not as timely or in real time like now. Only found out about it the next day on the front page of the newspapers. All newspapers were still in physical paper and not online. Online only had selected pieces of news, mostly already being published on hard copies.

Those were the days. We all were sucked into spins of lies by Tun M then. There were ridiculous reports on TV, played out like some HK dramas, bringing a mattress to court with semen stains and all the nonsense that during that time, were such a shocker. Come to think of it, at that time I wasn’t so politically literate. I just registered to vote at age 20 in 1996 when my mom told us we must register to vote, otherwise we will not be able to apply for loans. Lol. It was quite blissful being ignorant.

With the start of Internet, chatting with new found friends on mIRC and ICQ, I was beginning to learn about politics (apart from flirting with strangers). I educated myself more when news are more readily available online.

I also picked up information from a doctor whom I worked with after leaving school as a clinic nurse.

I first voted in year 2004. It was the year where Badawi was fielded as PM candidate. I remember the euphoria of not having Tun M as PM after so long. I remember thinking there is only one PM for Malaysia and that is Dr Mahathir. I thought he will live forever. He probably would! He has been the only PM ever since I was studying in kindergarten till I started working for God’s sakes! Time to retire!

Well, I just want to share the feeling of ecstacy and delight after waiting 24 years for Anwar to be PM. Honestly, I don’t really favour him much back then especially when he introduced bahasa Malaysia baku (f*#@ this shit!) and all other issues which I don’t even remember now. I only remember I had to search for the meaning of cronyism and nepotism after he made a speech, weeks before he was supoosed to be PM to replace Tun M. Not long later after the fiery speech, he was thrown to police lock up.

Hopefully Malaysia will rise this time, away from racial and religious politics, focus fully on the development and retention of talents, be kind to the environment, give stateless children citizenship, reduce costs of living, fight for equality for people who are not like us regardless of skin color, religion, sex preferences, bank account balance and mental capabilities.

All the best Malaysia! 🇲🇾 KITA BOLEH!

[Pause]

Been wanting to record something here for the pandemic but somehow find it a little too depressing. I am somehow one of the lucky ones to be still in an employment, having a roof over my head and a supporting network of family and friends. I have nothing to complain about.. except the stupid government. Anyway, am not going to waste the space here talking about the imbecile government. I am writing to record a conversation I had with a very, very old friend.

Somehow, both of us drifted apart due to some differences in opinion and also spiritual issues. I considered myself a pretty spiritual person. But I prefer to think of myself as a free thinker. I think all religions teach you good and great things. It is always the stupid human who complicate things. The only religion that the world needs is L-O-V-E.

Okay.. not talking about religion either. It’s gonna cerebral. I wanted to record the conversation we had. Out of concern, I texted him to check if he has got his vaccination done. If he hasn’t, perhaps I could be of help. I happen to know somebody who knows somebody to assist in speeding up his appointment.

The vaccine conversation turned into a full confession of a series of things. I was quite shocked I was in the dark that he had left his job for almost 5 years now and has been unemployed since. Five years! How do one actually survive five years in such a demanding and materialistic world. One thing led to another and I suddenly realized why he has lost so much weight, when we were talking about intermittent fasting. I was telling him I did intermittent fasting because my health needs this and I need to lose a lot of weight in order to be free of medicine. He told me, he lost weight because of the pain in his knees. He said he plays tennis a lot and his weight somehow caused him knee pain. So he lost like 20kg off his healthy 85kg of 180cm frame. I googled for Roger Federer, his idol and found the professional player weigh the same as him and yet, he told me he lost weight to play tennis?

Then I began to rethink this. I suddenly realized he is probably not joking about not eating luxuriously like me and keep the special dishes or food on some celebratory occasion. He said it’s almost torturing to see my facebook or instagram in the middle of the night and saw all the nice homecooked food and home baked goodies. All he could do is to swallow his saliva while his stomach growl. Not too sure if he is joking about this.. but somehow it made me realized, he is probably living in a B40 condition.

My mind took a stroll to our yesteryears in our school. Both of us beaming with hope with a good future. Both of us are university graduates – well, he is a UM graduate while I took professional papers ICSA. If the 17 years old us would think, these degrees will probably help us throughout our adulthood.We would probably enjoying our lives, travel at times, eat the food we like, enjoying the camaraderie of our friends.

But no.Not for one of us. I am quite thankful to be where I am right now, even if I always think I could do much better. Whereas for him, he is worrying of the next mortgage payment left by his parents of the house he’s staying. He’s worried about how to go on this life. He has been doing some contract jobs here and there, for a meal or two.

It was almost like an instinct. During our sporadic whatsapp exchanges, I suddenly told him, I just want to say hello and if you need any assistance, please always remember, I am always here and will gladly be of help. I wish I had given him more time, at least as a friend who listens to him and motivate him to strive better in this life. We all need a push sometimes, to get out of comfort zone and to venture into unchartered territories. Whether or not, we are triumphant, it doesn’t really matter. What matters most, at least we tried and there is no room for regrets. Most important is – WE ARE LIVING and share our life experiences with the people we love most.

What Do We Have Here?

Democracy is Dead?

I guess everyone’s shocked with the shit going on in the country at the moment. As if the economy is not bad enough… and with the Covid-19 pandemic, some idiots still wanna add on oil to the already huge fire. Most rakyat are already fighting losing battle against these fires and yet, the idiots we elected to “lead” us, shit on us! I am quite pissed but somehow, not as pissed as I thought I would be. I guess, we have no choice right? We need a 95 year old to lead us out of this crisis. In a country of 7 million people, we cannot find his replacement. I am in awe of him. He has been my Prime MInister for as long as I remember, ever since I started schooling in 1981. That was the year he was elected as PM. As a kid till up to year 2000, I thought he’s the only PM and will live forever. Haha. As I became an adult, I began to discern and there are lotsa things he did that I am not too happy with. But I guess generally, he did some good for the country. Well, whatever it may unfold… as long as the past regime do not return, I will be happy with it.. otherwise.. I think better marry an old farmer in New Zealand la.

Dreams

I keep having weird dreams the past few months. I missed dreamless and restful nights. Not too sure if it stems from my daily worries or activities… but…I always wake up feeling utterly exhausted. I remember a herb seller in Jeju said, this could be caused by liver problem. I hope it’s not…

Anyway, speaking of dreams, I have this ex colleague who suddenly message me out of the blue and said,

“Wei,
How are you la? I dreamt you asked me to meet you at Mercedes car show room. When I arrived, you showed me your new Merc you bought. Then in your new car, you drove me to your new bungalow house that you are building.

Anyway, meet up soon la. It has been awhile. Let me know if you can yum cha one of these days ya 😁”

Wah…this is probably the FIRST TIME A MAN DREAMED OF ME. Scratch that… SECOND TIME A MAN DREAMED OF ME AND BOTHER TO TELL ME. Lol. Well, I may not be a woman of your dreams… but if a guy dream about me, I will take it anytime lah. Lol.

We will meeting this coming Monday. No.. not of romantic interest unfortunately. He’s way too young… Haha. I am not a cradle snatcher… haha.

Stinky Spot

I was lying in bed and cuddling with my dear Ern Ern and I smelled her hair.

Me: Wah.. so stinky one. You have one stinky spot you always missed washing!

Ern: Yi, if I ever have babies, will my babies have stinky hair too?

Me: Yes they will! Because you will miss a spot in their heads too and they will smell like you!

Negativity

The negative atmosphere at work wears me down a bit. Usually I would be okay after battling it out, go home, rest, wake up, gym and repeat. But some people really irk the shit out of me.

Don’t get me wrong. The people I work with are really smart people who know what they are doing and they have the best skill sets in the industry and I am rather fortunate to learn from them. Highly grateful.

One thing I can’t stand is them talking down to people or like to pick on people’s outward appearance. I am quite lucky they didn’t say bad things to me coz I am considered one of the old friends of the group. I could only imagine if I am a total newbie or stranger in the company. Don’t know how many verbal “stab wounds” would have penetrated my back.

So I isolated myself from their conversations. You know, do the “hear no evil, speak no evil, see no evil” shit. I have had it man!

Also, I found one of my good friends here has become really whiny and getting very, very “complainy”. It’s getting on my nerve. I get it if you are frustrated with the company. Me too actually, from the way the management is run. But this friend has yet to experience much worse work culture and much, much disastrous management so that’s probably why she has never seen the worst before.

I am quite grateful to be given another opportunity to hon my skill sets and work with a fairly good company but the frivolous gossip gotta stop and the management needs to see the importance of hiring the right people to do the job, rather than rely on nepotism and cronyism…and also, don’t be too cheap. You pay peanuts, you get monkeys working for you.